So January has been a major pain in my tush. Over the last few weeks my world has been turned upside down. My estranged mother had to move in with us and I had to rush hubby to the ER to have an emergency appendectomy.
As he was being rolled out of the room to go into sugar, my sweetie yells back, "Go eat dinner!". Always worried about me. I smiled. I went to the hospital cafeteria and found they were serving fried chicken and fried tator tots. Can't imagine why anyone is sick here! (LOL) I ended up down at Subway for a veggie delight on flat bread. I sat there pondering my life if anything happened to him. If he didn't come out of surgery ok what would I do? A dear friend came over and sat with me for a while to be sure I was ok.
Over the next two hours I sat with my Uncle in the hospital room and updated our Facebook family on his status. He rolled into the room opened his eyes a bit and said, see I told you I'd be back. My sweetie, always the hero. Today hopefully I'll be bringing him home. I'm a bit annoyed at the ER doctor that told us that he had stomach flu. Interestingly enough, he ordered an injection of MORPHINE for this "stomach flu". I had no idea that you could just go in the ER with stomach flu and get morphine. Just blows my mind. Needless to say there will be a serious follow up to this event. At least however, for now he's safe and doing well. We appreciate all the love that was sent to us in the form of family visits, phone calls, text messages and Facebook. (((((ALL))))
My other exciting event was that my mother moved in Thursday night after a blood sugar of 20 put her in the emergency room, while there she suffered a series of strokes that led her to Wake Med in Raleigh. She has been a diabetic for years and was on a type of insulin that works over time. Apparently this medicine lowered her sugar incredibly low and that's why she ended up in the ER. Now, not sure if the strokes were related because she has several other health issues. Many obesity related. Heart Disease, High Blood Pressure, Deafness, Blindness, and the list goes on. So, since Friday morning hubby (Responsible Omnivore) and I (Vegetarian) have been in complete control of her diet.
There's no fast food here people! My mother wanted a cheese burger so I drove to Wilson, got a pound of grass feed meat and made it for her. She wanted tomato soup, have you see what's in tomato soup? I found Image Bistro - a fire roasted organic tomato soup. Great tasting and Guess What? It's Organic!
Previously, My mother had blood sugars as high as 400. I've even seen her put one piece of food in her mouth and break out sweating profusely. Not any longer! Over the last few days we've been watching what she eats and keeping a food/blood sugar journal. I've been able to allow her to see what's actually happening with her body. Well as much as the dementia will allow. Saturday while I was at the book signing in Wilson, "SOMEONE" got her a Cheddar Bo from Bojangles. That's right folks over 360 calories in one biscuit! That's more than is in a candy bar! That evening we took the sugar and it was 187 (low for her record) but HIGH based on what we'd been having which were around 112 - 130. Sunday she said, I'd really like a small piece of chocolate. I had some chocolate from London that my daughter sent, no GMOs no extra crap so I let her have a piece the size of a quarter. BAM! Sweats, shakes and that night her sugar was 198. She looked at the monitor and said, no more chocolate huh? I said, well, it's bad huh? She said yes, it's bad. So she is getting it. And that's a very very good thing.
I'm still working on getting the finances in order and all the paperwork, it's amazingly incredibly stupid how hard it is to get medicaid for someone. Any person who things you can just walk in and get welfare on the fly or that it's easy to "take the government" for money is really really really and I do mean "REALLY" mistaken. I've been on the phone and in offices for hours just to try to get her some help.
I've also noticed a few other things. I'm not as angry as I was before. I think I've discovered that first, no matter what happened in the past, the best thing that we have been given the ability to do is to forgive. There's nothing she could ever say that could "fix" what happened. There's nothing I could say that could "fix" all those years of abuse that she endured as well. All I can do is to continue to live by my code. My code says treat other people the way I want to be treated. Give first, take last and send out as much positive energy as I can.
It's been a very long tiring January. I'm so looking forward to February.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
Supporting Our Community
January 21, 2012
Today I was able to attend one of the many wonderful events sponsored by Kay Soto at her store Truely Unique in Wilson NC. Today Blake Octavian Blair led a wonderful discussion on the value of Community in our Community. He mentioned the current happenings in Bumecombe County where Ginger Strivelli, co-founding priestess of The Appalachian Pagan Alliance, attempted to donate a box of pagan books to a school in Asheville that previously had given away Gideon Bibles just before the winter break in December. The story has caught a bit of media attention and was even covered by Fox News as well as local news.
When Blake first mentioned her name, I have to say I was slightly embarrassed as I didn't know who she was. Then as he began to tell her story the room lit up as many, including myself, immediately remembered her plight and knew exactly who he was referring to.
Just to give a little background to the story, basically a box of Gideon's Bibles were donated to a school, an announcement was made that anyone who was interested could come to the office and pick one up. This was brought to the attention of Ginger, whose son brought one home. When Ginger offered to bring other religious texts to the school she was told they would be treated the same, but when she made good on the promise and arrived with her materials she was told that the board was reviewing the process and her books would not be accepted.
The main complain here, is that the school should not be giving out religious materials from one group
and not another. Personally, to me, religion belongs in the church and in the home not in schools or government. That being said I felt that I would take some time to post about Ginger's situation on my blog tonight. I was surprised to hear that this has escalated to the point of death threats. I did some searching on the web and found that Selena Fox and the Lady Liberty League are calling out for a show of support for the Strivelli family. I'm so glad to see that our community is stepping up to defend Ginger. From the very first reporting I saw of the incident by Byron Ballard, Asheville's Village Witch on her Facebook page.
As Blake mentioned today, we are able in this day and age to support our community electronically. We can send emails, like a page and post a note of encouragement to this family to show our support for what they are going through. The Strivelli's have a Facebook Support page, where many are leaving comments, words of encouragement and well wishes for the family. As Selena mentioned on a recent status update, this family could use support in the form of visitors to their page or rituals. Even a short message would probably be very helpful.
Tonight I'm setting lighting a candle and sending out protective energies for Ginger and her family. I hope that all of you will be able to send them a note, post a blog, send a message, email a news group, do something to show support for our sister.
I would like to thank Blake for coming out and opening up a wonderful discussion as well as Kay at Truely Unique for the opportunity to attend.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
When Blake first mentioned her name, I have to say I was slightly embarrassed as I didn't know who she was. Then as he began to tell her story the room lit up as many, including myself, immediately remembered her plight and knew exactly who he was referring to.
Just to give a little background to the story, basically a box of Gideon's Bibles were donated to a school, an announcement was made that anyone who was interested could come to the office and pick one up. This was brought to the attention of Ginger, whose son brought one home. When Ginger offered to bring other religious texts to the school she was told they would be treated the same, but when she made good on the promise and arrived with her materials she was told that the board was reviewing the process and her books would not be accepted.
The main complain here, is that the school should not be giving out religious materials from one group
and not another. Personally, to me, religion belongs in the church and in the home not in schools or government. That being said I felt that I would take some time to post about Ginger's situation on my blog tonight. I was surprised to hear that this has escalated to the point of death threats. I did some searching on the web and found that Selena Fox and the Lady Liberty League are calling out for a show of support for the Strivelli family. I'm so glad to see that our community is stepping up to defend Ginger. From the very first reporting I saw of the incident by Byron Ballard, Asheville's Village Witch on her Facebook page.
As Blake mentioned today, we are able in this day and age to support our community electronically. We can send emails, like a page and post a note of encouragement to this family to show our support for what they are going through. The Strivelli's have a Facebook Support page, where many are leaving comments, words of encouragement and well wishes for the family. As Selena mentioned on a recent status update, this family could use support in the form of visitors to their page or rituals. Even a short message would probably be very helpful.
Tonight I'm setting lighting a candle and sending out protective energies for Ginger and her family. I hope that all of you will be able to send them a note, post a blog, send a message, email a news group, do something to show support for our sister.
I would like to thank Blake for coming out and opening up a wonderful discussion as well as Kay at Truely Unique for the opportunity to attend.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
Updates
January 20, 2012
So this week has been a week of change. Thursday night hubby and I drove to Raleigh to pick up my mother. She was turned down for all the rehab centers, she couldn't stay with my 96 year old grandmother and no one else could take her in.
I've spent this week filing for medicaid, applying for prescription drug programs and contacting different people in an effort to get my mother placed somewhere. The majority of these things have ended in one word. NO.
Tonight I went to Walmart to pick up her prescriptions and they were well over 300.00. Hubby has been amazing. He's been there helping me and running interference where needed.
I'm completely and totally exhausted. My brain is tired and my body is going on auto pilot. I'm really surprised at how pitiful our health care system is in this country. How is it that we live in a place where one prescription can cost over 200.00? How can it be so expensive to get oxygen paid for. I used to think, Well they can't charge for air.. guess what? They can.
On a more positive note my application to The Covenant of Hekate was approved! Tonight I will be completing the rite. I'm very very excited about it. I already feel very connected to the Goddess and feel that it will be my final step to completing my dedication to Hekate.
I'm looking forward and thinking positive. I'm challenging all the energies I can towards a positive outcome.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
I've spent this week filing for medicaid, applying for prescription drug programs and contacting different people in an effort to get my mother placed somewhere. The majority of these things have ended in one word. NO.
Tonight I went to Walmart to pick up her prescriptions and they were well over 300.00. Hubby has been amazing. He's been there helping me and running interference where needed.
I'm completely and totally exhausted. My brain is tired and my body is going on auto pilot. I'm really surprised at how pitiful our health care system is in this country. How is it that we live in a place where one prescription can cost over 200.00? How can it be so expensive to get oxygen paid for. I used to think, Well they can't charge for air.. guess what? They can.
On a more positive note my application to The Covenant of Hekate was approved! Tonight I will be completing the rite. I'm very very excited about it. I already feel very connected to the Goddess and feel that it will be my final step to completing my dedication to Hekate.
I'm looking forward and thinking positive. I'm challenging all the energies I can towards a positive outcome.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
Paint it Black
January 17, 2012
Over the last week I've been up to my eyeballs in dealing with family issues. Today was no exception. Today I got to see how the other 1/2 lives. I have a wonderful partner in my life that helps me take on the world. We are together through thick and thin, no matter what he's got my back and I have his. We are a team, together, an unshakable force that no one can divide. Today I saw a girl much younger than I, well over 20 years my junior sit and be bullied by a "so called" man.
Her choice or his, she's away from her family alone to raise her children. No high school diploma, no hopes of a career outside public assistance. Children with no hopes of college or a future. I watched sadness. I used to live that life. I was there years and years ago. Sadly she cannot learn from my experiences or benefit from my journeys. Part of me has pity, another part sadness and a final part angry that she's not fighting for her children or her self.
I've offered, I've given however I cannot give any more. That journey is over for me now. I wish her the best.
At some point in your life you have to stand up for what you believe in. You have to say, NO! This is not ok any more. This behavior is not acceptable. You cannot do this. I've said those words before and will probably say them again. To friends, lovers and family. I've said them in protests and marches. I've shouted them from parade floats and protest lines. Today I shout them from my blog. See, this week I've been so busy with family problems and my mother's health that I completely allowed this SOPA protest to run up on me. You can learn more about it here.
There are tons of sources out there on how bad this can get so I'm not going to waste your time with more links. I'm only going to say I support the protest and I'm going to go black for the 12 hours, provided I can get the code right (LOL)
As a final message...
Hekate, Goddess of crossroads, gates and passages - send your knowledge to us.
Hekate, Goddess of the night's sky, the sea and wilderness - guide us with your light.
Hekate, Goddess of Maritime and Magic - grace us with your blessings.
Her choice or his, she's away from her family alone to raise her children. No high school diploma, no hopes of a career outside public assistance. Children with no hopes of college or a future. I watched sadness. I used to live that life. I was there years and years ago. Sadly she cannot learn from my experiences or benefit from my journeys. Part of me has pity, another part sadness and a final part angry that she's not fighting for her children or her self.
I've offered, I've given however I cannot give any more. That journey is over for me now. I wish her the best.
At some point in your life you have to stand up for what you believe in. You have to say, NO! This is not ok any more. This behavior is not acceptable. You cannot do this. I've said those words before and will probably say them again. To friends, lovers and family. I've said them in protests and marches. I've shouted them from parade floats and protest lines. Today I shout them from my blog. See, this week I've been so busy with family problems and my mother's health that I completely allowed this SOPA protest to run up on me. You can learn more about it here.
There are tons of sources out there on how bad this can get so I'm not going to waste your time with more links. I'm only going to say I support the protest and I'm going to go black for the 12 hours, provided I can get the code right (LOL)
As a final message...
Hekate, Goddess of crossroads, gates and passages - send your knowledge to us.
Hekate, Goddess of the night's sky, the sea and wilderness - guide us with your light.
Hekate, Goddess of Maritime and Magic - grace us with your blessings.
The Harder I Try...
January 16, 2012
The harder I try, the harder it seems to become....
So today my mother was supposed to be released from the hospital. I arrived there all ready to get the move started. The social worker finally arrived just before lunch to let me know that she couldn't be moved today. ARG! Well, it's probably for the best, she isn't maintaining her O2 levels on normal room air so she's having to have oxygen anyway.
As quickly as I could I zipped back to Goldsboro to finish up some other errands. About six or eight months ago my mother allowed my sister and her boyfriend to take her car to use. I have no issue with that, they are a young couple with small kids and need transportation. Today I sent a text asking to pick up the key to my mother's storage to pick up her coat. My sister told me to come get them. After about 25 minutes on the road I'm told that her boyfriend doesn't want me on his property. Feeling a bit shocked I sent a message back that I didn't have time for all this nonsense and I was coming to get the keys. While I'm there (standing off his property) my hubby starts checking the car out. Both tail lights busted out, axle laying on the ground, tire off. Ummmm that's not right. So we get in the car to leave and I get all these texts from her boyfriend, baby daddy, whatever you want to call him that I'm trespassing and he's calling the law on YALL.
I head over to a car place to see if I can get a tow truck, but sadly it's after 5 pm and that's just not going to happen today. So I resign to the fact that what ever happens to the car happens. About half hour later I get a call from my sister telling me that I have to have the car out of the yard tonight, or "HE" is going to tear it up, junk it, call the law blah blah blah. Really? I've spent 1/2 a day at the hospital with our mother. I'm trying to get the bills handled and deal with the doctors. I'm sending out information in texts to everyone and being the contact and NOW I have to deal with this garbage.... Really?? Really???
I called our local Sheriff's office to let them know what's going on and to ask if I need to be concerned about his threat to call the law on me. They advised me that not only do I not have to worry about his threats that if he damages the car he will be charged with destruction of private property. Hopefully it won't come to that. I have to wonder though what exactly has he been told that he felt the need to send threatening messages to me out of the blue when I don't even know the guy.
It's not like I have a hugely close relationship with him or my sister. Just boggles the mind. Trust me, had I had my toad wand today... home boy would be croaking at this very moment!
Tonight I have to get my day planned as it appears I'll need another off from work to handle all the crap I have going on. How is it that just 2 weeks ago I hardly spoke to her and this week I can't have one conversation without her being included in it.
I have to say however today she was very pleasant. I don't think she remembers what happened while I was living at home. I think she's in such an advanced state of dementia that she really has no clue at all. Maybe this will be a time for me to create some new memories. Maybe I can create something positive from all this chaos. The harder I try, the more I learn that I can only control two things. What I say and What I do.
Sending light and love
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
So today my mother was supposed to be released from the hospital. I arrived there all ready to get the move started. The social worker finally arrived just before lunch to let me know that she couldn't be moved today. ARG! Well, it's probably for the best, she isn't maintaining her O2 levels on normal room air so she's having to have oxygen anyway.
As quickly as I could I zipped back to Goldsboro to finish up some other errands. About six or eight months ago my mother allowed my sister and her boyfriend to take her car to use. I have no issue with that, they are a young couple with small kids and need transportation. Today I sent a text asking to pick up the key to my mother's storage to pick up her coat. My sister told me to come get them. After about 25 minutes on the road I'm told that her boyfriend doesn't want me on his property. Feeling a bit shocked I sent a message back that I didn't have time for all this nonsense and I was coming to get the keys. While I'm there (standing off his property) my hubby starts checking the car out. Both tail lights busted out, axle laying on the ground, tire off. Ummmm that's not right. So we get in the car to leave and I get all these texts from her boyfriend, baby daddy, whatever you want to call him that I'm trespassing and he's calling the law on YALL.
I head over to a car place to see if I can get a tow truck, but sadly it's after 5 pm and that's just not going to happen today. So I resign to the fact that what ever happens to the car happens. About half hour later I get a call from my sister telling me that I have to have the car out of the yard tonight, or "HE" is going to tear it up, junk it, call the law blah blah blah. Really? I've spent 1/2 a day at the hospital with our mother. I'm trying to get the bills handled and deal with the doctors. I'm sending out information in texts to everyone and being the contact and NOW I have to deal with this garbage.... Really?? Really???
I called our local Sheriff's office to let them know what's going on and to ask if I need to be concerned about his threat to call the law on me. They advised me that not only do I not have to worry about his threats that if he damages the car he will be charged with destruction of private property. Hopefully it won't come to that. I have to wonder though what exactly has he been told that he felt the need to send threatening messages to me out of the blue when I don't even know the guy.
It's not like I have a hugely close relationship with him or my sister. Just boggles the mind. Trust me, had I had my toad wand today... home boy would be croaking at this very moment!
Tonight I have to get my day planned as it appears I'll need another off from work to handle all the crap I have going on. How is it that just 2 weeks ago I hardly spoke to her and this week I can't have one conversation without her being included in it.
I have to say however today she was very pleasant. I don't think she remembers what happened while I was living at home. I think she's in such an advanced state of dementia that she really has no clue at all. Maybe this will be a time for me to create some new memories. Maybe I can create something positive from all this chaos. The harder I try, the more I learn that I can only control two things. What I say and What I do.
Sending light and love
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
Sunday - A Day of Rest
January 15, 2012
After three long days at the hospital today I need a break. I had so many errands yesterday.
My day started bright and early at a doctors office getting a release of medical records. Then off to Raleigh to stay with Mama for a while. She seems to be getting better. The doctors can't believe that she had those strokes and is doing so much better. We're currently working on getting her into a rehab center so that they can help her with walking and evaluate her on taking care of herself. Her sugar has been pretty good on a relatively low amount of insulin. It looks like the majority of her problem is around diet. I'm not surprised. I think that maybe we should do some of the meals that hubby used to make for our customers.
Yesterday I had an appointment with a place that makes school jackets called EB Sports in Wilson. Over 30 years ago I had a Warriors jacket that I loved. I got it for Christmas in December and we moved in March to a new school. I was so bummed that I wore the jacket to the new high school. I ended up giving the jacket away. So for my birthday this year hubby is getting me a new one. Silly, but in a way this is another one of those gifts to myself. What made this trip super exciting is that I walked in and they had me try on several jackets for size. I had to order a SMALL! WHAT? ME? SMALL? Getoutahere! :)
We did our shopping and then stopped by Truely Unique to pick up hubby's Shaman Stones and to get a Garnet for my work with the Dead. I hope that I'll be able to make it to Wilson next weekend because Blake Octavian Blair is going to be there. We've been meaning to meet up and several places, PPD and LGBT Pride. We missed each other both times!
Earlier in the week I started working with my embroidery machine. I found several websites where you can get free designs. Basically you download them to your computer hook up the USB cord and it sews the design on your fabric for you. I've had the machine over 3 or 4 years and could never get it to work right.
I found a Facebook group that talked me through the issues I was having and now it's working like a champ. Today I'm going to go up to the store and pick up some new bobbins and bobbin fill and then get to work. I'm very excited about how the test came out and I can't wait for the real deal. I even found a site with Pagan designs.
I have a bit of a headache today to go along with my sore throat that I picked up from the hospital I'm sure. I'm going to toss another log on the fire (because it's 40 degrees today but will be 70 on Tuesday!) maybe pull out my crochet and just sit with some tea and rest.
Thanks for all your well wishes and email support during this crazy time. I really really needed it.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
My day started bright and early at a doctors office getting a release of medical records. Then off to Raleigh to stay with Mama for a while. She seems to be getting better. The doctors can't believe that she had those strokes and is doing so much better. We're currently working on getting her into a rehab center so that they can help her with walking and evaluate her on taking care of herself. Her sugar has been pretty good on a relatively low amount of insulin. It looks like the majority of her problem is around diet. I'm not surprised. I think that maybe we should do some of the meals that hubby used to make for our customers.
Yesterday I had an appointment with a place that makes school jackets called EB Sports in Wilson. Over 30 years ago I had a Warriors jacket that I loved. I got it for Christmas in December and we moved in March to a new school. I was so bummed that I wore the jacket to the new high school. I ended up giving the jacket away. So for my birthday this year hubby is getting me a new one. Silly, but in a way this is another one of those gifts to myself. What made this trip super exciting is that I walked in and they had me try on several jackets for size. I had to order a SMALL! WHAT? ME? SMALL? Getoutahere! :)
We did our shopping and then stopped by Truely Unique to pick up hubby's Shaman Stones and to get a Garnet for my work with the Dead. I hope that I'll be able to make it to Wilson next weekend because Blake Octavian Blair is going to be there. We've been meaning to meet up and several places, PPD and LGBT Pride. We missed each other both times!
Earlier in the week I started working with my embroidery machine. I found several websites where you can get free designs. Basically you download them to your computer hook up the USB cord and it sews the design on your fabric for you. I've had the machine over 3 or 4 years and could never get it to work right.
I found a Facebook group that talked me through the issues I was having and now it's working like a champ. Today I'm going to go up to the store and pick up some new bobbins and bobbin fill and then get to work. I'm very excited about how the test came out and I can't wait for the real deal. I even found a site with Pagan designs.
I have a bit of a headache today to go along with my sore throat that I picked up from the hospital I'm sure. I'm going to toss another log on the fire (because it's 40 degrees today but will be 70 on Tuesday!) maybe pull out my crochet and just sit with some tea and rest.
Thanks for all your well wishes and email support during this crazy time. I really really needed it.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
Loving Your Inner Child - Part 2
January 11, 2012
Starting this entry off with a trigger warning. For those triggered by discussions of incest, rape or abuse, please take care when reading this entry.
By Willow Arlenea
One of the most important things you can do for your inner child is to protect it. That child spent so much time being ignored and hurt but most of all not protected by the adults in it's life.
To protect my inner child I do the the following:
I listen to her. - Being heard is usually a big deal for survivors. That little voice inside grows very weak over years of no one listening. Take a moment and listen to what that child has to say.
I say nice things to her. - In my situation daily attacks and humiliation were the norm. I was cussed out, called names, names a child can't understand. Those words leave scars and bruises that the eyes cannot see. For years and years I was told "You're Fat" "You're Stupid" "You're Ugly". Those words were repeated so often I believed them and became them. A way to help fix that is to be nice to yourself. Yes, those crazy doctors are right. Look in the mirror. Say, I love you. Say, You're special. Say, You're important. I like to leave sticky notes around my house that say positive things. That way, I can let her know she's special.
I Defend her. In my situation I'm still in contact with my abuser. Two have died. One is still alive. When I first moved back here I took on the role of the "Oldest". I started taking care of things and rushed in to do my duty. I promptly started back my old self defeating actions and in less than 2 years put on a 100 lbs. I was negative and hurt every single day. Each day I take a bit of that power back and defend her. I don't let others push her around or make her do something out of sense of obligation. I am important and I matter. No one is going to hurt her; not any more.
I love her. In taking back my life and in caring about me, one of the most important things is to love yourself. There are enough people out there in the world that are going to run you down or call you names. Don't be one of those people. It's called negative self talk. I'm guilty of saying, "Oh I'm so stupid" or if I drop something my brain yells "Klutz!". If a stranger dropped a glass, would you call him/her a name? Probably not. But yet those words ring out inside the head and hurt just as much as if someone else said them. Sometimes it's hard to stop those "voices". Sometimes you have to actually yell back, "SHUT UP".
And remember, for those little ones out there. Sometimes you may think that running away is the answer. I thought it was. I ran away from a very bad situation with no resources. It led me into a much worse situation. I thought I knew everything. I was big and bad at fifteen. But I really wasn't. I ended up in a home with the man that is "supposed" to be my biological father. However I've started to uncover information that he may actually be my second cousin instead. Good for me because he ended up saying to me "You'll do that for Him, but not for me?" (referring to my step-father) So you see, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire. My abuse continued for many many years afterwards, even into my first marriage. You can't run from this. You have to face it. I'm not suggesting you face it alone.
Get help! If you can find someone you trust, a teacher, a parent, a neighbor any one... Find someone to protect you. Because life as a runaway is not a happy life.
I'm going to close this with a message to all my blog followers who have left messages, comments and sent me emails of support. Thank you so very much. Your words have been amazing in this time of discovery and rediscovery for me. I appreciate each and every word that's been shared. The positive energy made it here and I am grateful for your thoughts.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
Resources
Child Help
Pandora's Project
Survivors of Incest Anon
Safe Horizon
Male Survivors of Incest and Abuse
YouTube Video Series Healing our Inner Child - Video 1
One of the most important things you can do for your inner child is to protect it. That child spent so much time being ignored and hurt but most of all not protected by the adults in it's life.
To protect my inner child I do the the following:
I listen to her. - Being heard is usually a big deal for survivors. That little voice inside grows very weak over years of no one listening. Take a moment and listen to what that child has to say.
I say nice things to her. - In my situation daily attacks and humiliation were the norm. I was cussed out, called names, names a child can't understand. Those words leave scars and bruises that the eyes cannot see. For years and years I was told "You're Fat" "You're Stupid" "You're Ugly". Those words were repeated so often I believed them and became them. A way to help fix that is to be nice to yourself. Yes, those crazy doctors are right. Look in the mirror. Say, I love you. Say, You're special. Say, You're important. I like to leave sticky notes around my house that say positive things. That way, I can let her know she's special.
I Defend her. In my situation I'm still in contact with my abuser. Two have died. One is still alive. When I first moved back here I took on the role of the "Oldest". I started taking care of things and rushed in to do my duty. I promptly started back my old self defeating actions and in less than 2 years put on a 100 lbs. I was negative and hurt every single day. Each day I take a bit of that power back and defend her. I don't let others push her around or make her do something out of sense of obligation. I am important and I matter. No one is going to hurt her; not any more.
I love her. In taking back my life and in caring about me, one of the most important things is to love yourself. There are enough people out there in the world that are going to run you down or call you names. Don't be one of those people. It's called negative self talk. I'm guilty of saying, "Oh I'm so stupid" or if I drop something my brain yells "Klutz!". If a stranger dropped a glass, would you call him/her a name? Probably not. But yet those words ring out inside the head and hurt just as much as if someone else said them. Sometimes it's hard to stop those "voices". Sometimes you have to actually yell back, "SHUT UP".
And remember, for those little ones out there. Sometimes you may think that running away is the answer. I thought it was. I ran away from a very bad situation with no resources. It led me into a much worse situation. I thought I knew everything. I was big and bad at fifteen. But I really wasn't. I ended up in a home with the man that is "supposed" to be my biological father. However I've started to uncover information that he may actually be my second cousin instead. Good for me because he ended up saying to me "You'll do that for Him, but not for me?" (referring to my step-father) So you see, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire. My abuse continued for many many years afterwards, even into my first marriage. You can't run from this. You have to face it. I'm not suggesting you face it alone.
Get help! If you can find someone you trust, a teacher, a parent, a neighbor any one... Find someone to protect you. Because life as a runaway is not a happy life.
I'm going to close this with a message to all my blog followers who have left messages, comments and sent me emails of support. Thank you so very much. Your words have been amazing in this time of discovery and rediscovery for me. I appreciate each and every word that's been shared. The positive energy made it here and I am grateful for your thoughts.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
Resources
Child Help
Pandora's Project
Survivors of Incest Anon
Safe Horizon
Male Survivors of Incest and Abuse
YouTube Video Series Healing our Inner Child - Video 1
The Day After...
January 10, 2012
So I sit here with my tea the day after the full moon. I spent my evening rehashing and rehashing those things in my past. Those horrible days as child when I lived at home. I thought about how I would treat a stranger if their mother was sick.
I thought about what my own beliefs say about this whole thing. Do I go to the hospital even though I have no emotion for the person there? Do I pretend to be concerned when they explain the medical situation. When in all reality all I'm really doing is sitting here remembering how she didn't protect me. I've been told that simply the fact that I'm thinking about this says I have unresolved issues. However, I'd like to point out that I didn't visit her when she was a mile down the road. There is no love there. At what point does one's "duty" to show up again because they're the oldest, become a burden that shouldn't be shouldered any longer?
I remember years back when my step-father died, my nightmares about him stopped. Then when my bio-father died, after getting the photo from the coroner, those stopped. Last night I tossed and turned, reliving in dream that awful things she's said and done. Maybe death is the only way to really REALLY stop them.
Today is Tuesday, day after the full moon; day after my commitment to my matron. Maybe it's fitting that these questions were presented now.
Incense fills the room, my candles flicker. I have my chants on repeat. Looking forwards to a better day.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
I thought about what my own beliefs say about this whole thing. Do I go to the hospital even though I have no emotion for the person there? Do I pretend to be concerned when they explain the medical situation. When in all reality all I'm really doing is sitting here remembering how she didn't protect me. I've been told that simply the fact that I'm thinking about this says I have unresolved issues. However, I'd like to point out that I didn't visit her when she was a mile down the road. There is no love there. At what point does one's "duty" to show up again because they're the oldest, become a burden that shouldn't be shouldered any longer?
I remember years back when my step-father died, my nightmares about him stopped. Then when my bio-father died, after getting the photo from the coroner, those stopped. Last night I tossed and turned, reliving in dream that awful things she's said and done. Maybe death is the only way to really REALLY stop them.
Today is Tuesday, day after the full moon; day after my commitment to my matron. Maybe it's fitting that these questions were presented now.
Incense fills the room, my candles flicker. I have my chants on repeat. Looking forwards to a better day.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
Paying the Ferryman
January 9, 2012
So I sit here today completing my preparations for my ritual tonight. I plan to complete the ritual for Hekate tonight. I have chosen her as my matron. Oddly enough when I am choosing my spiritual mother I find myself at odds with my earthly mother.
Saturday I got call that my mother had a blood sugar of 20 and was on her way to the hospital. My mother and I have no connection really. She knew about my stepfather's abuse and I found out later that she indeed sacrificed me so that he would stay there and "pay the bills". After all, I guess I didn't really matter. I ran away from home at 15 and never really had any type of relationship with my mother. To this day we don't even really speak to each other. Today I got a message that she was on her way to Wake Med (a big hospital) due to some heart problems and she wanted to talk to me.
I spent a few minutes debating with my husband if I should call. Should I give her the chance to ask for forgiveness? Should I help her in paying the ferryman? Is it fair to me that she gets to make her peace with her God and I get left with years of more pain in dealing with her garbage?
I called. I listened. She said "I just wanted to tell you I'm going to Wake med". "Do you want to talk to your sister?"
Yup, that's it folks. No I'm sorry. No, Hey you know I was a completely nasty person for letting you get treated the way I did... I got nothing. Here again, let down by no one but myself, for even thinking for a second that there was any type of concern for my feelings at all.
Maybe one day I'll learn.
So now, I sit listening to my chants and singing along with the songs for the goddess. Tonight I commit myself to a higher level of understanding and with this ritual, I will look forward to new things and hope that soon all the pain will be gone.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
Saturday I got call that my mother had a blood sugar of 20 and was on her way to the hospital. My mother and I have no connection really. She knew about my stepfather's abuse and I found out later that she indeed sacrificed me so that he would stay there and "pay the bills". After all, I guess I didn't really matter. I ran away from home at 15 and never really had any type of relationship with my mother. To this day we don't even really speak to each other. Today I got a message that she was on her way to Wake Med (a big hospital) due to some heart problems and she wanted to talk to me.
I spent a few minutes debating with my husband if I should call. Should I give her the chance to ask for forgiveness? Should I help her in paying the ferryman? Is it fair to me that she gets to make her peace with her God and I get left with years of more pain in dealing with her garbage?
I called. I listened. She said "I just wanted to tell you I'm going to Wake med". "Do you want to talk to your sister?"
Yup, that's it folks. No I'm sorry. No, Hey you know I was a completely nasty person for letting you get treated the way I did... I got nothing. Here again, let down by no one but myself, for even thinking for a second that there was any type of concern for my feelings at all.
Maybe one day I'll learn.
So now, I sit listening to my chants and singing along with the songs for the goddess. Tonight I commit myself to a higher level of understanding and with this ritual, I will look forward to new things and hope that soon all the pain will be gone.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
Loving Your Inner Child - Part 1
January 7, 2012
I want to start this post out with a trigger warning. I talk about abuse and how I dealt with it as a child and as now a grown up. For those that are triggered easily, I recommend avoiding this series. I'll put this warning up before each of these.
I didn't get to be a child. I was always, "The Oldest". My understanding is that I started off life living with my grandmother. My mother was running around a bit and really didn't have time for a child. I lived with my grandmother and my cousin Tony. We stayed in a little house built by my grandfather. He passed away well before Tony or I were born. I lived with my grandmother until about 5 or 6 years old. I then moved to live with my mother and my step-father. I had a younger sister there as well. He was her step-father too.
There are not too many things I remember about my childhood. Most are full of pain. My very very first memory is me in a classroom. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 years old. I think I was in Kindergarten because we had our names on our desk in the block writing tablets. The ones that teach you how to write your letters.
There was a little girl there, she sat next to me. At playtime we ran outside to play and she said, I have a secret. I said you do? What is it? She said, my daddy kisses me down there. I said, yours does? My does too!!! She looked me right in my eye and said NO you're lying! My daddy said I'm special I'm the only one. From that day forward I never told another soul until I ran away from home at 15 years old. To this day I think about that first day at school and I wonder how my life may have been different if a teacher had her us talking. Or if I had told another adult. I wonder if anyone would have saved me. Did I really deserve saving?
I think back about that little girl, not the one that told me I was lying, I think about the one in me. The one that was hurt and alone. She is still there. Small and sad. She didn't get toys to play with or hugs from someone just because. All the love was conditional and hurtful. So today, I give her things. I buy her toys from the little machines and I give her little things. Things that she can cup in her, things that make her smile. Sometimes the smallest gift can mean the most.
Here are some of her things.
She likes little things. And in a small way it helps. Today I put this little things in my office. I find a new one ever so often and add it to the collection. I read a story a while back about how fairies collect little things, buttons and shiny things and store them behind their fairy door, it reminds me of my collection.
I have good days, and I have bad days. Sometimes I get sad. But usually I am up and happy. I have so much to be thankful for. I have wonderful friends and family of choice. Once strangers are now sisters and brothers. I have so much positive that I try to let the negative come in, sit a minute and then send it on its way. Because remember, I am a sum of my parts... all of them. My negative and my positive make me who I am today. And I <3 ME.
For those out there that are struggling with demons in the past, or with childhood things, I highly recommend finding someone you can trust to talk to. Find someone you can share these things with. One of the best things you can do is buy a coloring book and a box of crayons. Set these as your special things, for those times when you just need to sit down and escape from the grown up world. It really helps.
For those that need someone to talk to, here are a few resources. I had family that thought "something was wrong" when I stopped tying my shoes and forgot my ABCs, but no action was taken. If you "think" something is wrong, ask questions. You might be saving a life.
Survivors of Incest Anonymous
RAINN
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Adult Survivors of Child Abuse
Recognizing and Preventing Child Abuse
Sending out positive energies to all.
Namaste and Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
I didn't get to be a child. I was always, "The Oldest". My understanding is that I started off life living with my grandmother. My mother was running around a bit and really didn't have time for a child. I lived with my grandmother and my cousin Tony. We stayed in a little house built by my grandfather. He passed away well before Tony or I were born. I lived with my grandmother until about 5 or 6 years old. I then moved to live with my mother and my step-father. I had a younger sister there as well. He was her step-father too.
There are not too many things I remember about my childhood. Most are full of pain. My very very first memory is me in a classroom. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 years old. I think I was in Kindergarten because we had our names on our desk in the block writing tablets. The ones that teach you how to write your letters.
There was a little girl there, she sat next to me. At playtime we ran outside to play and she said, I have a secret. I said you do? What is it? She said, my daddy kisses me down there. I said, yours does? My does too!!! She looked me right in my eye and said NO you're lying! My daddy said I'm special I'm the only one. From that day forward I never told another soul until I ran away from home at 15 years old. To this day I think about that first day at school and I wonder how my life may have been different if a teacher had her us talking. Or if I had told another adult. I wonder if anyone would have saved me. Did I really deserve saving?
 |
| Photo Credit - Renee Olson |
I think back about that little girl, not the one that told me I was lying, I think about the one in me. The one that was hurt and alone. She is still there. Small and sad. She didn't get toys to play with or hugs from someone just because. All the love was conditional and hurtful. So today, I give her things. I buy her toys from the little machines and I give her little things. Things that she can cup in her, things that make her smile. Sometimes the smallest gift can mean the most.
Here are some of her things.
 |
| Photo Credit - Renee Olson |
 |
| Photo Credit - Renee Olson |
 |
| Photo Credit - Renee Olson |
 |
| Photo Credit - Renee Olson |
She likes little things. And in a small way it helps. Today I put this little things in my office. I find a new one ever so often and add it to the collection. I read a story a while back about how fairies collect little things, buttons and shiny things and store them behind their fairy door, it reminds me of my collection.
 |
| Photo Credit - Renee Olson |
I have good days, and I have bad days. Sometimes I get sad. But usually I am up and happy. I have so much to be thankful for. I have wonderful friends and family of choice. Once strangers are now sisters and brothers. I have so much positive that I try to let the negative come in, sit a minute and then send it on its way. Because remember, I am a sum of my parts... all of them. My negative and my positive make me who I am today. And I <3 ME.
For those out there that are struggling with demons in the past, or with childhood things, I highly recommend finding someone you can trust to talk to. Find someone you can share these things with. One of the best things you can do is buy a coloring book and a box of crayons. Set these as your special things, for those times when you just need to sit down and escape from the grown up world. It really helps.
For those that need someone to talk to, here are a few resources. I had family that thought "something was wrong" when I stopped tying my shoes and forgot my ABCs, but no action was taken. If you "think" something is wrong, ask questions. You might be saving a life.
Survivors of Incest Anonymous
RAINN
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Adult Survivors of Child Abuse
Recognizing and Preventing Child Abuse
Sending out positive energies to all.
Namaste and Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
Embrace the Sparkle #9
January 4, 2012
Long time no sparkle eh?
No not really. I've been having a pretty active set of days since Thanksgiving. I've found a pattern to some of my manias. Many of the occur between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day. As with many others the holidays are not easy times for me. Much of my time is spent speeding around the house.
I spend this time working. Working and more working. If I actually took time off during these two month's I'd probably go completely whack-a-doodle. I remember as a kid being at home the week before Christmas. My Stepfather played music in a country band. Most of the time we were left home with me babysitting my sisters. My mother would go to the bar with him and tell us to "be good" and you know how that goes. On one of these baby sitting trips I ended up walking with my two little sisters to the mall, my youngest at the time was about 7. She ended up breaking her arm as we ran down the rail road tracks to the Mall. Not the best example, but then I was only 11 or 12 years old.
However, that's not really the point of this story, Christmas, yes that's the point. Today I don't have a Christmas tree in my house. Because year after year after year my step father could get drunk and tear it down.
I remember being awoke by his screaming and yelling or him dragging me out of bed and standing me in front of the tree calling me "whore" or "slut". He was an awful awful man. He was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive to me from age 5 until I ran away from home at 15. It didn't matter the month, if it was Friday or Saturday and his drunk ass was at home, we got bitched at. Years ago my Christmas tree fell over in my house and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. From that day forward no more trees.
We drive to my grandmother's for Christmas dinner, yelling and cussing in the car the entire way was my horrible step father. As we pulled up in the drive way we were warned to keep our mouths shut or we'd "GET IT". Then out of the car he'd pop out smiling, my mother by his side acting as if nothing had happened. The exact same scene played at Thanksgiving, minus the Christmas tree battle.
This year was the first year that hubby had to work so I was at grandma's with my Mother alone, on both days. I did have an Aunt there that helped keep me sane, however on New Year's Day, it was just me. Just me there with my mom, who by all accounts is a complete nut job that at times I think cannot even remember who I am. She grunted at me and when I tried to speak to her, jumped at me a bit much like Christmas and Thanksgiving.
I stayed a grand total of 20 minutes before I was out the door. Just couldn't take it. I battled the entire drive home to avoid all the fast food joints and junk food I could just to make it home to hide. At least I didn't binge, that's all I kept saying.
Today it seems a lifetime ago even though it was only a few days. I share my mother with 3 other siblings however I was the only one there that day. The only one that speaks to me had to work so I had to face those demons alone and failed miserably. My mind has been racing, I've barely slept and been going going going since then.
I know it's going to be slowing down soon. I have to embrace it, stop fighting it. Become one with the Sparkle. Understand that the sparkle is there to protect me. It keeps me from those that would hurt me and helps me know that I can do anything. (with in reason) I embrace the sparkle but keep my feet on the ground. I'm very proud of myself for keeping it together. I've even thought up several new crafts I want to work on for the Etsy Shop and come up with three or four great ideas for work.
This is when they come to me. I get so creative during this time. My energies flow and the ideas just come and come. Sometimes I wish I could stay here forever. But I know it makes those around me a bit crazy to deal with the go go go go .....
I'm hoping for some slow down soon.. maybe before my birthday... yea... maybe ...
Embrace the Sparkle
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
No not really. I've been having a pretty active set of days since Thanksgiving. I've found a pattern to some of my manias. Many of the occur between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day. As with many others the holidays are not easy times for me. Much of my time is spent speeding around the house.
I spend this time working. Working and more working. If I actually took time off during these two month's I'd probably go completely whack-a-doodle. I remember as a kid being at home the week before Christmas. My Stepfather played music in a country band. Most of the time we were left home with me babysitting my sisters. My mother would go to the bar with him and tell us to "be good" and you know how that goes. On one of these baby sitting trips I ended up walking with my two little sisters to the mall, my youngest at the time was about 7. She ended up breaking her arm as we ran down the rail road tracks to the Mall. Not the best example, but then I was only 11 or 12 years old.
However, that's not really the point of this story, Christmas, yes that's the point. Today I don't have a Christmas tree in my house. Because year after year after year my step father could get drunk and tear it down.
I remember being awoke by his screaming and yelling or him dragging me out of bed and standing me in front of the tree calling me "whore" or "slut". He was an awful awful man. He was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive to me from age 5 until I ran away from home at 15. It didn't matter the month, if it was Friday or Saturday and his drunk ass was at home, we got bitched at. Years ago my Christmas tree fell over in my house and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. From that day forward no more trees.
We drive to my grandmother's for Christmas dinner, yelling and cussing in the car the entire way was my horrible step father. As we pulled up in the drive way we were warned to keep our mouths shut or we'd "GET IT". Then out of the car he'd pop out smiling, my mother by his side acting as if nothing had happened. The exact same scene played at Thanksgiving, minus the Christmas tree battle.
This year was the first year that hubby had to work so I was at grandma's with my Mother alone, on both days. I did have an Aunt there that helped keep me sane, however on New Year's Day, it was just me. Just me there with my mom, who by all accounts is a complete nut job that at times I think cannot even remember who I am. She grunted at me and when I tried to speak to her, jumped at me a bit much like Christmas and Thanksgiving.
I stayed a grand total of 20 minutes before I was out the door. Just couldn't take it. I battled the entire drive home to avoid all the fast food joints and junk food I could just to make it home to hide. At least I didn't binge, that's all I kept saying.
Today it seems a lifetime ago even though it was only a few days. I share my mother with 3 other siblings however I was the only one there that day. The only one that speaks to me had to work so I had to face those demons alone and failed miserably. My mind has been racing, I've barely slept and been going going going since then.
I know it's going to be slowing down soon. I have to embrace it, stop fighting it. Become one with the Sparkle. Understand that the sparkle is there to protect me. It keeps me from those that would hurt me and helps me know that I can do anything. (with in reason) I embrace the sparkle but keep my feet on the ground. I'm very proud of myself for keeping it together. I've even thought up several new crafts I want to work on for the Etsy Shop and come up with three or four great ideas for work.
This is when they come to me. I get so creative during this time. My energies flow and the ideas just come and come. Sometimes I wish I could stay here forever. But I know it makes those around me a bit crazy to deal with the go go go go .....
I'm hoping for some slow down soon.. maybe before my birthday... yea... maybe ...
Embrace the Sparkle
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
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