And the rest of the story.....

So here we are at the end of the year. Time to make promises to do things or stop doing things.  Time to look back and reflect on the year you've had.

For me, it's been an amazing year.  I have lost 106lbs and improved my diet 100%.  My husband has taken on two clients to help with food and weight management.  My job is going amazingly and I even applied for a part time job as well as a community manager.  My daughter is working full time job remotely while attending school in London for her Master's degree.

I'm learning more about becoming Organic and living a more active healthy life.  We got a new motorcycle and will be riding it more and more as the weather warms up.

I am completely in love with my husband.

Life is good.

Thirteen.....

Could I have possibly stopped maturing at 13?  I know that I do adult things. I pay a mortgage, I pay a car payment I raised a daughter who is 23 now living abroad attending grad school.

But I still giggle and play and get distracted by sparkley things...

Maybe it's the bipolar... ;)

Ages...

It seems like ages since I've posted here.  My world is reeling from working at the gym to the days getting longer and Yule approaching.  My life is probably the best it's ever been and my mind is fighting to accept it. Why do we set out to tear down what makes us strong? I'm self destructive.  I need to stop.

I love Levis

So my sister called  me today to ask me to come to the Pottery with her.  I usually like spending my time off with my husband.  For some reason today I decided to head off to Smithfield with my sister to shop.  We looked around the pottery and then over to the Levis outlet.  I love levis... well I love them now since dropping 100 pounds.  I had been complaining over the past few weeks about how baggy my pants were getting.

At the Levis Outlett the jeans were on sale for 19.99 a pair so I figured I'd find a fit that I liked.  You know.. amd I a 501 or a 505.  As it turns out I'm a 515 kinda girl.  So I pulled out a pair of size 12 boot cut to see how they fit.  Baggy baggy baggy... I thought.. what the hell, let me try on a pair of 10s.  HAPPY DANCE!!  I can hit my happy ass in a pair of size 12 jeans.  I have lost TWELVE PANT SIZES.  HOLY CRAP!


Jeans ROCK

Holidays..... SUCK

Beginning around a week before Thanksgiving all the way through new years my life goes haywire.  I spend too much time in self doubt.  I redicule myself and put my self down.  Years and years of repeated abuse has taught my mind and body that I will be unhappy in the holidays.

I've changed my direction and begun to celebrate the pagan holidays instead.  We'll see how that goes.

I long for happy holidays.

What's a Man?

So what makes a man a man. Is it a name? A Penis?  A way of thinking?  What is it really that makes one be a man.  I think about this all the time as I watch the transition around me.  Last night a quick glance and all I thought was "man".  I never thought I would be in this situation.  I'm not put off by it at all. I like it.  But what is it that I like?  The play on gender? The power transfer?  What is it?  Am I lesbian?  I just don't know.

I do know it's right.  I do know that I want to be here.  I do know that I love my life completely.

So then.. what makes a man?  I know, a spiffy new hair cut, going to the gym, quiting bad habits and starting new good ones; dropping a pant size and raising the bicep size and standing behind him is a woman who loves him.

What on EARTH??

It's been a crazy week. I was scheduled to have vacation and then everything just exploded. My hard drive crashed and died.  My sister is pregnant again... not the one with the job mind you.  It's just been crazy.

I'm working on a project for work for the last year and it's coming down to just a few days from completion so each time I run into a problem I just know I'm going to miss my deadline.

Ramble ramble... I'm nearly out of meds, my new insurance is stupid.


SCREAM!

Sweet Misery....

As some of you may know I've been working on getting back into shape after turning 40.  At might highest I weighed just over 300 lbs.  At my lowest I weighed 108.  Day before yesterday I met my goal of losing 100 lbs before Yule by changing my diet.  I cut out refined sugar, sugar substitutes and meat. 

Last night I watched a show called Sweet Misery - A poisoned World.  I was amazed at how the FDA and the Government allowed this dangerous poison to be on the market.  Do all you can to avoid aspartame.  It's death covered in diet chocolate!!

BiPolar Disorder

So what makes a nut?  I'm not sure. I know that I spend everyday with the crazy stuff in my head.  I rework it and open it and pull and sort it and I can't change it.  I just keep trying to find out why I do the things I do, why I do open the doors I open, why do I bounce around the room from thought to thought without any boundaries.

Yes, I'm bipolar.

A Mother's Love.....

So this past week was insane.  I took PTO from work for the week and started working on all the cool things I needed to get done before the week was out.  Wednesday came rolling around and I was over at my mother's to help her move.

Perhaps saying that I was at my mother's to dig her out of the filth she was living in is a better choice of words.  My mother has never been much of a house keeper ... add that to having two of her kids living with her with their kids.. Fatherless of course and that she's had a quadruple bypass well you get the picture.  There was crap everywhere.  And I mean everywhere.  Trash, clothes, food, more trash and more trash.  One of my younger sisters, the one with two kids under 12 and no husband as apposed to the one with one kid under 1 and no husband, were suppose to help get our mother packed.

Needless to say that didn't happen.  I was there for over six hours cleaning up the crap left by my disgusting family.  I come home and send a facebook message to her, basically bitching her out for not staying to help out.  GET THIS.  She TELLS on me!  Yes, you heard me, this 37 year old mother of two, instead of talking to me like an adult, calls our mother!!  Wait it gets better.... My mother calls me and tells me to leave her alone!!  What am I? Two Years old???  You've got to be kidding me.

I just can't take any more crap from her.  I've had it. She tossed me aside when I was a baby to run off and party with her friends.  She left me with my grandmother to take care of along with my cousin, who's mother was what??? Yes off partying as well.  She then had more babies and ended up marring a man who molested me until I ran away from home at 15 years old.

Once again, my dear sweet mother picked someone else over me.  One more time after I sat and picked up her garbage and tried to take care of her, I was sacrificed.

WTF?

I've decided that I'm done.  My mother is dead to me.  She's been dead for a long time I just didn't want to accept it.  I have now.  It's done.

My First Binding

Nothing makes a witch feel any stranger than casting their first binding spell.  I have to say I didn't think it would have any effect but I too feel drained.  A great deal of my energy seems to be tucked away in that little jar in the freezer.  And what did they do before freezers?  Questions ... Questions...

Puppies, Rescues and the Day of Rememberance.

So so much going on this month.  I told you it was my favorite month.  My eight year anniversary is fast approaching.  I've ended up having to move my mother this coming weekend so any hopes of going off for our anniversary are pretty much out the window.

We added a new female to our pack over the last 2 weeks.  She's doing wonderful.  Hopefully she'll give us great puppies.  We had to spay our smallest female as she was just too tiny to have babies.  I helped rehome some GSDs this last week as well.  Hopefully they all ended up at the rescue safe and sound.

I can't stand working with rescues. They are all so holier than than thou and they spend so much time deciding why I can't have a dog that they end up losing more than they actually help.  Not to mention, they required that the owner spay/neuter the dog before they take it.  So really what are they doing for the 300.00 they charge for a dog?  The dog is vetted and healthy when they get it. So they really do nothing. Maybe we should stop calling them rescues and start calling them brokers.

Next month is when Transgender Day of Rememberance is.  It's always a very sad sad time.  I wanted to share the link so that if you're in an area that has any type of gathering you might be able to attend.

I'm extremely excited about Samhain this year.  My husband and I have decided to renew our vows.  We were married 8 years ago in Balboa Park's Rose Garden in San Diego CA on Samhain.  This time our vows will be renewed in our own back yard.  I love him dearly and thank all the energies that led me to him.

The Jumbled Brain

Some days I wake up and I can't stop the mess that's swirling around in my head.  Each new idea branches into six other new ideas which open again and again and again until I am sitting in my chair hand clenched tight to my forehead trying despartely to figure out what I'm thinking about.  My head becomes fuller and fuller of more and more information until finally I feel as though my head may explode.

Halloween - Takes a beating...

So every year I read article after article on how local churchs "hate" halloween.  On how they create "Judgement Houses" to show kids what happens to them after they commit "sins" and don't repent.  Every year I hear about how Satanist have used Halloween to pull good christians into bad situations.

POPPYCOCK!

From History.com (LINK)

Halloween, celebrated each year on October 31, is a mix of ancient Celtic practices, Catholic  and Roman religious rituals and European folk traditions that blended together over time to create the holiday we know today. Straddling the line between fall and winter, plenty and paucity and life and death, Halloween is a time of celebration and superstition. Halloween has long been thought of as a day when the dead can return to the earth, and ancient Celts would light bonfires and wear costumes to ward off these roaming ghosts. The Celtic holiday of Samhain, the Catholic Hallowmas period of All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day and the Roman festival of Feralia all influenced the modern holiday of Halloween. In the 19th century, Halloween began to lose its religious connotation, becoming a more secular community-based children's holiday. Although the superstitions and beliefs surrounding Halloween may have evolved over the years, as the days grow shorter and the nights get colder, people can still look forward to parades, costumes and sweet treats to usher in the winter season.



From History.com (LINK)

Ancient Origins of Halloween
Halloween's origins date back to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain (pronounced sow-in).
The Celts, who lived 2,000 years ago in the area that is now Ireland, the United Kingdom, and northern France, celebrated their new year on November 1. This day marked the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, a time of year that was often associated with human death. Celts believed that on the night before the new year, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred. On the night of October 31, they celebrated Samhain, when it was believed that the ghosts of the dead returned to earth. In addition to causing trouble and damaging crops, Celts thought that the presence of the otherworldly spirits made it easier for the Druids, or Celtic priests, to make predictions about the future. For a people entirely dependent on the volatile natural world, these prophecies were an important source of comfort and direction during the long, dark winter.

Basically the holiday was stolen and turned into something else.  Much like Ostara (Easter) and Yule (Christmas).  It really pisses me off when people cast stones at something they know nothing about.  Be educated before you start making wild accusations.

Another day another suicide

So I log into my facebook account to remove my "I'm wearing Purple" status message and photo that I created yesterday to show support for the LGBT youth out there.  I log into my Twitter to do the same, I pause to read a post from HRC that says another young gay man committed suicide on Tuesday.  He hung himself. 

What's going on?  Why is this happening?  We live in a day and age where the internet is out there and can let you know you're not alone.  People can see there are other gay and lesbian folks there to give them support.  I know we can't know why this young man chose to end his life.  All we can do is try to reach out to those still out there struggling with this issue.

If you need a friend, if you need a shoulder to lean on.  Email me.  I'll talk to you.

Spirit Day....

So today is Spirit Day.  What's that you might ask?  Well today is the day selected by GLAAD to ask the world to wear purple as a show of support to the LGBT youth that have commited suicide.  I've updated my twitter and updated my facebook to show the purple suggested by HRC and GLAAD. 

Is that enough?  I'm not sure that it is.  It's sad when a life is cut short because they feel they have no hope and no support.  Take a moment to look around you.  Look for those that need support, gay straight it doesn't matter.  A life if precious and it should be protected and celebrated.

Chin up LGBT Teens and their allies.  It will get better.

October... my favorite month of the year.

October is awesome.  The temperature is coming down. The leaves are changing.  The air has a crisp feel to it.  My favorite time of the year.

Samhain marks the end of the harvest. That time of year when the line between death and life is at it's closest.  It it believed that at this time people can and do make contact with those friends, loved ones and even pets that have crossed over.

My husband and I were married on Samhain in a lovely rose garden in a park at midnight.  It was a magical time.  I have never felt more connected to another soul on the planet.  He is indeeed my other 1/2.  That part that makes me whole.  I spent my entire life looking for him.  Only to find that he had been looking for me as well.

This magical time, I share with my beloved.  I want him to feel as close to me as I do to him.  This makes me complete.

Just another Saturday....

So what am I going to do today?  This week my husband introduced a muscle bulding plan to our weekly routine.  We've been losing weight pretty steadily now for about 10 months.  I started at 260lbs in January 2010.  I'm now down to 177.  That puts me down about 83/84 lbs.  My husband is now below 200 lbs which was a long time problem for him.

We went to the the plastic surgeon to see if I would qualify for a body lift. It's what they do to folks who have had extreme weight loss.  I did qualify but the cost was through the roof.  It was roughly 6k for each procedure and there are about 4 or 5 of them.  Can't swing 20k for looks right now so it's back to the balance ball and free weights to try to add some muscle under this loose skin.

We got up this morning and took our suppliments with a glass of milk and he headed off to drop off a bed.  I'm sitting here finishing up some work that I needed to get done for my job and then we're off to Raleigh.

I found a metaphysical store there that I can't wait to go see. It's called Dancing Moon.  I'm very excited to try to find myself a new Amethyst Crystal Point.   I've seen several online, on ebay and so on but I just need to really put my hands on the crystal to feel it talk to me. 

After that we're off to Whole Foods to pick up all our fruits and veggies that we need for the next two weeks.  I love going there.  It makes me feel good to get food that's good for me.  I'm not as tired as I used to be, I'm not in as much pain and I've even been able to lower my pain meds by one dose a day. Which is awesome!

This nutritional approach to life is really starting to grow on me.

What to reveal and when to reveal it....

Just like anyone else, I have a full time job and a family outside my "Online" life.  I have friends that probably would prefer not to know some of the things I might talk about in this blog.  I have family that might be shocked to find out that they are the topic of this weeks blog post and maybe even be a little tiffed about it.

So what do we reveal and when do we reveal it?  Should I link my blog to my facebook profile? Should I say who my employer is?  What will happen if I post something that someone doesn't like?  Can I lose my job over it?

Typing "blogger gets fired" in Google you'll find tons of hits on people getting fired or getting in trouble at work over something they did on a personal blog.  That's why I've decided to keep my personal blog away from my work persona. 

Big Brother is watching....

So it begins.....

Finally I'm going to sit down and start writing.  Years and years of experiences, trials and tribulations as well as some pretty awesome stuff has happened in my life.  I'm ready to share.