What Does May Bring Now?

So why do I hate May?  I don't even know.  The minute May 1 rolls in I start to feel dreary and annoyed at the world in general. I start to cry for no reason and become so testy it isn't even funny.  I'm not sure why it happens.  I look back at my past and try to figure it out but still nothing solid comes to mind.

Photo Credit - Renee Sosanna Olson

I know its the month of Mother's Day. Which is a challenge on two fronts.  My strained relationship with my own mother and my adult child.

I spent the day today looking over old posts and see how my partner and I are still being used as fodder for the various anecdotes and stories associated with their childhood.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised at some of the tall tales that I'm reading over there since they are a fiction writer. I think about what could I have done differently.  What, if anything, should I be doing now. It all comes back to a single question.  Does it bring you joy?   The answer is no.  Battling for a relationship isn't where I flourish. I don't do well with having to demand attention from someone. I prefer that someone wants to communicate with me.  They want to hang out or chat.  They want to share their life with me.  I don't want to be an accessory.  To me, I would rather not be included at all than to be tolerated. And at this point, basically I am just that.  A tolerated accessory, to claim the LGBT family title.  I'm worn like a sash in a pageant while the story line is told slightly differently each year depending on the current victimization.

Photo Credit - Renee Sosanna Olson

Then there's my mother. My last discussion with her was being told that I stole money from her account after I did all I could to get her out of dept and healthy. I was shamed into hugging her and try to be a "good girl" a "good daughter" by my aunts. I was doing all the work while she sat in her denial with junk food as a partner and death on her lips. I struggle to even think about what I could say at this point in my life that would be anything other than nasty.  There is nothing left there and I don't think it could ever be salvaged.  While I know that she was a victim of the abuse just as we children were, she was the adult. As her adult child here and now, she still continued to be abusive. Stealing from me. Lying on me.  Being just as vile as he ever was.

Photo Credit - Renee Sosanna Olson

I think the only relationship I really regret not having is the one with one of my younger sisters. I could certainly reach out and of course she like so many other members of my estranged family would welcome me back with open arms.  I just have to leave the past in the past. I have to accept them for being self centered and bigoted and I can come to the picnic.  I have to quiet down my voice and stop calling out relatives who vote Republican or those who clasp their pearls and their bible while their president takes away my families access to care.  I think I miss most of all, having someone to share things with outside my marriage.  I would love to go get my hair done, or have a girls day out.  It is deeply saddening to realize that even if I would suck up my pride and engage again, I would be faking the entire thing and find myself empty.  The fact is they just don't accept me and they don't want to give up the view they have on the world today.  I think that's why it makes me so sad.

Photo Credit - Renee Sosanna Olson

I have a wonderful job and I love my husband who is absolutely amazing.  I recently splurged and bought myself a new (to me) car that I adore. I'm cutting back on quite a few commitments that I have had over the years to help me be able to focus on some new things in my life.  I'm going to try my hand at painting.  Though the very thought terrifies me.

Photo Credit - Renee Sosanna Olson

May reminds me of festivals and vending like I did a few years ago.  It reminds me of the hustle and bustle of  packing boxes and greeting campers deep in the woods of eastern North Carolina.  A place now, where I am no longer welcome.  It surprises me to see the friendships that have grown since I removed myself from that venue. I think the emptiness comes from my own head trying to fully understand my part in this old place while being this new person that I am.

Photo Credit - Elijah Olson

I watch the wind blow through the trees and feel the fresh rain on my face and know that I am not part of that world anymore. I am separate from it and while it is of my own making, it is still has painful as a dagger through my heart.

Each door that has closed around me, has indeed opened another avenue of expression but still I sit at the end of the hall and see those doors.  I see them for what they are. A closed off area of my heart that can no longer open.  The hinges, rusted and the lock nailed shut.  I can see a light just through the keyhole.  I can press my eye against the lock but only see the clouded figures that dance in the distance in this world that I cannot access.

This is my May.  A time of reflection and rehashing.  A time of fires and fury.  A time when I sit apart from so many places I once frequented only to have the door firmly slammed in my face.

My grandmother used to tell me, April Showers bring May Flowers.  My question to the world, and to her if she were still here to hear my plea, what does May bring now?  The flowers are here. Now what?  I don't think I'll ever have an answer to that question.  I do believe it will get better. After all look where I am now. I can write about this and still keep a dry eye.

This May is much different than my previous Mays.  This May seems fresh and raw.  This May is about learning who I am and where I fit in the fabric of life. I do long for those relationships, but I also have to put myself in a position of growth. Where do I want to be in the future.  Who do I want to be?  I'm getting there.  Slowly, but still moving forward at a pace that is steady and comfortable.

Sometimes, simply running in the race is winning.