Over the last few months I've been dealing with a lot of family drama. To the point of posts on my Facebook Page calling me names and even attacking my mental disorder. I've been working through a lot of it with writing exercises (pros and cons) on dealing with my family as well as trying to come to terms with being ok with saying, No you don't get to treat me this way just because we are related.
At this point in my life I understand that I'm stuck at the age of about 16 and act accordingly. I do manage to get myself to work each day and do for the most part, a good job of being a wife, when I'm not a complete brat. I spend a lot of time saving animals, dying my hair purple and looking for witch boots at thrift stores. Some people might say I'm childish. I prefer "child like". I'm the first to admit I'm naive. I tend to trust people just a little too much. I always assume people are doing the right thing and never think that anyone would ever do anything to hurt me on purpose.
I try to always treat others the way I want to be treated. I think first and then speak. Generally I do not speak out of anger or hatred and when there is some sort of drama or altercation my disorder is such that I spend hours and hours dissecting it to see what I could have done differently to reach a better outcome. I troubleshoot life.
All that being said, today I get a call from Walmart letting me know that my mother's prescriptions are ready. I called the pharmacy to find out exactly what's ready and then being the type of person I am, instead of just saying screw her and all the drama that they gave me last week, I call her on the phone to let her know about the prescriptions and ask if she'd like me to pick them up. I find out from the nurse there that she's decided to leave the home on the 23rd and move in with one of my sisters.
Ok.. news to me, thanks for letting me know. I finally get her on the phone and confirm that she's moving out of the home. I ask her about her mail and her stuff she has here and she tells me I should put all of it in my sister's name. I told her about the bills coming and about me bringing up her paperwork to the home on the 18th. I remind her that I've already paid for her to go to my grandmother's birthday and she didn't need to pay again. I had paid for her, Eli and myself, but Eli and I wouldn't be attending. She asked me why and I told her it was because my sister had threatened me with courts, lawyers, police and all sorts of other attacks and that I didn't feel it was right. Her exact quote. "Whatever".
Now I'm not one to hold on to false hope, and trust me I honestly thought that I really didn't give a rat's ass what she thought about anything. However when she said that, pain shot through my chest. I think it finally hit me, that she didn't care that I brought her in my home. She didn't care how hurt I was from all the family drama when I was a child. She didn't care about how I felt now. It was painfully obvious.
As I hung up the phone I went to the USPS online site to change her address, I started pulling the folders out with all the documentation I've collected over the last five months. The Social Security Meetings, the Medicaid Meetings, the Cardiologist appointments and so on... I began to cry. I couldn't control it, and I still do not know why.
I texted hubby and work and had a little chat and a pep talk to get myself back up in a better frame of mind. I do everything I can to help everyone and for the most part, most people are wonderful. But there are those that can do nothing but hurt. I'm not sure how to deal with the hurt. I've tried tucking it away; I've tried burning it up, I've even cast it out away from me, but still some can bring it roaring back into my life with a vengeance.
So my countdown begins. there are 7 days until I will be done with all the paperwork, all the updates, all the emails and messages. I'll be changing over the prescription notifications along with all the other necessary information just in time for her to move in with my sister.
I'm taking some time to heal up before I go around any of them again. I'm not sure when that will be. I'm not even sure I'll be missed. I'm hoping this is the right way to deal with the hurt. I know I certainly don't want to be hurt again.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
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6 comments
Good for you hon. You need to take that time from those who hurt you. A person can do so much. But at least you have a great husband like Eli to be there and help you. I call that a GREAT marriage and a man who understands your pain. You have friends who love you and will be here if you need. Ever need to vent just email me. ;) Love ya.
Stevie
Renee, I can honestly say I've been in your shoes...to a degree. I don't talk about that time in my life, I left it in AZ when I moved away in 2002 and I do my best not to go back. One day, I'll write about it and consider it a final closing of that door.
I'm here for you if you need or want ANYTHING! And good for you for having purple hair and looking for Witch boots! Give Eli a big hug for me and thank him for hanging on when others may have walked away.
It's hurtful, because you gave and gave and gave, and no one recognizes that.
Usually in an instance like this, it's good to put distance between yourself and the person or people who have hurt you, once you've done what you need to do.
Your feelings are completely legitimate. Wish I could offer more than that.
Healing Energies continue to flow to you. Be Blessed
I don't know if this is going to be helpful, but I'm going to tell you what I did when I was in a similar situation...I told all of them to kiss my fat ass...and then I let go of it and didn't look back. No one from the family cared throughout my childhood when I was continuously targeted for verbal,mental and physical abuse they knew was taking place, none of them came forward to help when Pop died and I had to quit on of the best paying jobs I ever had in my life to take care of her on just her Social Security, and they all pissed and moaned when she was terminal and I made the decision to bring in hospice,and were apathetic about helping to care for her or even to help plan her funeral...oh, yeah...my mother and her sister kept me from having her cremated (which was her wish) so they could view the body (yet wouldn't visit her when she was alive-and she wanted no viewing after she was dead), so when I only had enough money in the bank to have her buried in a plywood and cloth casket, they called me all sorts of names...I looked both of them in the eye and quietly said, "Screw you...all of you."
Yes,now I am alone, without family. The truth is I was alone all those years when the weren't around except to bitch. Yes, I would like to be a part of a huge, loving, family who gather for the holidays...but I'm not. Instead I have a small group of intimate friends who are there whenever I need them and they can be...and there are still times when I am left alone. It's Life, I deal with it. On those days time slows to a crawl and the minutes get longer...but the day finally passes into the next. I've learned to live one day at a time and not make too many plans. I've had to lower my expectations...but I've survived, and mostly on my terms. Most importantly I've done it without the drama and stress caused by family who could care less and can't be bothered. I refuse to give them anymore of my precious energy.
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